I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February