I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
🙂🐾
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…