I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.