I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
i hope my email finds you on fire
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?