I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted