*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it