Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Help Wanted
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running