I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.