[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.