Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.