INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
In space, no one can hear…
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds