I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
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In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
oh shit
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.