I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
and this one
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Ain’t no way
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*