I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
do horses think humans are hats
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.