@FSUSteve: I don't think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
@shadygeekdad: I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"
@FattMernandez: Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
@KeetPotato: wife: "no one will remember dont worry" me: "ok" [2 mins into my high school reunion] guy: "yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?"