I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter