I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
barbara was highly relatable
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*