@Underchilde: I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.
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@Marlebean: Hostess:There's a 45 min wait Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers! H:Let me ask my manager *2 min later H:It'll be 43 min
@Dildotron: I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black? *doctor sighs for like 3 mins* "Sir, its an ultrasound" *Seinfeld bass riff for days*
@tombrodude: tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents' home
@jonnysun: crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street