@Underchilde: I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.
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@Jake_Vig: "You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet." - If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
@Marlebean: 4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: ... 4: Or the fat sea witch!
@shariv67: Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
@noogscorner: Superman: Kinda sucks you can't fly. Batman: It's okay. Superman: Why? Batman: My planet hasn't exploded, so I can still walk and drive.