Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
You Might Also Like
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
This kid is going places