I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.