I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
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*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to