Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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I’m sure it’s fine.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌