Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.