I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Every haunted house movie:
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.