I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.