“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
TWEET CALL
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japanese corn
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Discuss
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.