I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are