@Mister_Gravity: I don't understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They're probably just underwater.
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@just1fool: You know what they say about a man with average sized feet. It's really easy to find shoes for him.
@RoosterMustache: [with my pet bird at the park] Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he's a mallard u idiot get away from me
@Jaywoo74: Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.