Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I am, perchance
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.