I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Breaking news:
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down