I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river