I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.