Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
🙄😏😂🤣
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Brilliant!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o