I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.