Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You Might Also Like
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.