@imdaintyaf: I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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@BradBroaddus: It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I'm looking through her window.
@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious" Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams" FBI: "K like not anything anything"
@T_Longstreth: [Girl over my house] "My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?" [Unclipping my harmonica holder] Def not.