I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.