I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour