I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
guys I’m going home
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.