My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
looks legit
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?