Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
How actors in movies eat their food
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral