People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?