I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
want me to check your oil?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)