“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
God making man in his image was the original selfie
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.