I can’t be the only one 😂
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“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Dietest Coke
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…