I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Um … Hot Wings please
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there