@MarieColette: I don't watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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@TheHyyyype: [first day in gang] LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart ME: oh i am LEADER: prove it ME: *names every street in city* LEADER: holy shit
@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
@behindyourback: Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
@CourtRundell: Dear dinosaur naming people, Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could've been named Frank and Joe. Sincerely, The parents of small children