I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
why I oughta
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*