I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!