I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Wait a minute
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed