I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
You Might Also Like
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Close call…
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.