The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Holy shit he’s back
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
🙂🙃🥹
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud