I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
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I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Aw man, but that’s the best part
pep talk
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.