5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”