I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
sistine chapel
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats